Crap I Buy My Dog To Make Her Love Me!

Melissa Jensen
2601 days ago.

People who know me well would be shocked to see me with my dog.  In fact, I think it still catches my husband off guard sometimes.  I’ve always fancied myself more of a cat person, then I got a companion dog with some serious issues and all I want to do is make her happy. The first 9 months we owned her I was uncertain if she had a tail.  It was so tightly tucked at all times.  She was afraid of everything.  I took her out to get the mail with me one day and she had a doggy panic attack because the wind blew a leaf in our direction.

She is beautiful and shy and like a mother who tries to buy the affection of their children, I just can’t seem to stop by buying her crap (odd because I never do this for my children).  Here’s a rundown of some of the dog toys, treats, and other items I’ve bought just in the last couple of months. I like to call it. . .

Crap I Buy My Dog To Make Her Love Me!

Dog toys

  1. This past Sunday I was irate, guaranteed Saturday delivery…smh.  Well, until the postman came on Sunday and brought this baby. To protect my hands I thought a tennis ball on a rope would do the trick. Result: She will chase it when thrown, but still prefers to gnaw on my hands….damn.  It is also smaller than I expected but I don’t blame Amazon; I’m not the best at reading directions.
  2. The JW treat tower.  This is actually the 2nd one I’ve purchased.  My fault, I left the first one out without any treats, only treat dust, and so she had to shred it to get to the little particles inside.  Result: She loves this, but even on the hard setting she has the whole thing emptied in a few seconds.
  3. Weird treat hiding thing. Another thing to stimulate her playful mind.  Result: She discovered the very first time that the most effective way to get out the treats is just to pick the whole thing up and turn it over…she’s a smart one.
  4. Another weird treat hiding thing.  Result: this one she can’t just flip over, but it still is emptied in 5 seconds flat so I might as well just hand her the treats.
  5. Of course I bought her a KONG! Result: I’ve got no idea why these things are so popular. Her freakishly long tongue has all the treats out in one lick and she has zero interest in it beyond that.
  6. After a year she finally plays fetch and she is wicked fast so of course I took the logical step of buying a Chuck It.  Result: She does not appreciate the Chuck It.  She drops the ball about 20 feet away, fearful that I am going to beat her with her toy (I’ve never even yelled at this dog).  I’m not going to mention how many tennis balls I’ve purchased…it’s embarrassing.
  7. This roller dog thing was a hit.  I highly recommend it to anyone who has a dog without teeth.  Result: You guessed it. Torn to shreds within minutes…probably seconds.  Little flecks of colorful rubber in her poop.
  8. The Everlasting Treat Ball: I was sure that I had a winner here. Result: Apparently the creator of this has never seen Willy Wonka because their “everlasting” treat only lasts about 7.2 minutes on average.  After two tries I got sick of buying replacements and the toy has been forgotten about under the desk.

With all this destruction I must take a moment to mention that I do not own a Pit Bull or Rottweiler; my dog is fully grown at about 30 pounds but she can destroy.

  1. Last but certainly not least is the Kong Wild Split Elk Antler.  Antlers are not cheap so I was reluctant on this one. Result: Finally a real winner! I used to buy her pork femur bones which would be gone in an hour or less, until I recently read a very scary article.  After over a week the antler is still going strong and she chews on it everyday.

I’m certain this won’t be the end of my list.  I already my eye on several other items including a falcon glove to protect her favorite dog toys of all times…my hands.


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Melissa Jensen

Melissa is a native of the Greater St. Louis region. She is addicted to anything Google, and cannot understand why motion activated paper towel dispensers never see her hands.

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