Things That Should Get You Banned From Facebook

Ryan
3149 days ago.

Some things really annoy me on Facebook and Twitter. I guess you could say there are just some things about people that really annoy me. In my opinion, the biggest contribution to society these sites have made is that they bring the stupidity and annoying traits of people out in the open. No more do you realize too late that someone annoys you to no end, now they put it out there for the world to see, judge and think less of them for. The world would be a better place if these things immediately got you a suspension from social media and continued violations wiped your profile clean and replaced it with a page that just said. “We have done the world a favor by banning this person from our site. No more will you have to put up with their utter ridiculousness.” A wise friend of mine describes these things as “appealing to the lowest common denominator of the population”.

Here is an early draft of status updates that will get you suspended/banned from Facebook when I am King. I really thought about just copying and pasting actual status updates I have seen on my timeline, but I took the high road and hope instead that offenders see this, realize they have done it and STOP ANNOYING ALL OF US WITH THIS CRAP.

  • “OMG, I have the best friends/boyfriend/girlfriend/family”

You honestly think they couldn’t be better? Are you willing to be in a Royal Rumble with other people who make this same claim?

  • “Thanks to everyone who came out last night to celebrate my birthday, it means the world to me.”

You mean the people who came out to something that you planned in honor of yourself? Same ones who figured you would hate them forever if they didn’t show up to kiss your feet?

  •  “I am so thankful for all of the great Birthday wishes. I am so blessed”

You really need to reevaluate your life if the number of people who said the exact same two words on your Facebook wall somehow validates your life.

  • “Happy Anniversary to my parents” (when your parents aren’t on Facebook)

What sense does this make? Are you going to hope all of your friends “like” that status and comment on it then print it out and take it to show your parents?

  • “Happy Birthday to my grandma.” (when Grandma isn’t on Facebook)

You think Grandma really cares that you wished her Happy Birthday on Facebook? Are you going to call Grandma and say “Guess what? I just wished you Happy Birthday on Facebook.” My Grandma would respond with “Does that mean you got me a KFC Famous Bowl because it’s lunch time and I’m hungry.”  No? You tell her it means everyone on Facebook can see you wished her a Happy Birthday? “Well, hope you’re content with getting a Facebook ‘thanks for wishing me Happy Birthday in some fantasy land’ in my will because I’m going out to gamble away your share of the inheritance. ”

  • “5  weeks Preggers” (with a bathroom mirror picture)

This one is pretty much exactly how it happened in my timeline. It was like the girl took the test, saw the two pink lines and immediately went to the bathroom to take the picture to upload.  Since then, she has posted a picture of her non-existent-yet baby bump weekly. Taking pictures could be cool if you wait until the end and post a slide show or a sweet stop-motion video:

But when you don’t do something cool like that it makes me want to instead comment with this video each time you post a picture:

The people who post the pregnant pictures were probably doing this not too long ago:

  • “I’m convinced all of the good girls/guys are taken. Seriously, wtf do I have to do to be happy.”

I’m sure it has been scientifically proven in 99.9% of these cases that the person posting the update is really the problem.

  • “I f’ing hate people who don’t tip their waitress, seriously people?

Going to go out on a limb here and say that you probably didn’t deserve a tip. You don’t automatically deserve a 20% tip. If you were rude or stepped out for a smoke break during my meal your tip money is being redistributed to someone who deserves it.

  • “I didn’t need to win the $250 million lottery jackpot. I won it  X # of years ago when I married my wife/husband/had my baby.”

These same people probably respond “I don’t play the lottery” when asked what they would do if they won the lottery. I understand that you love your wife/husband/baby but, give me a break. Sure, money doesn’t bring happiness but you’ve got to admit you could have a lot of fun with that money. It’s not like you have to pick one or the other here. Your life may very well be great and make you really happy BUT, you are flat out lying or insane if you say you have no interest in the money too.

  • “Good Morning/Good Night Facebook”

I don’t even know what to say about this one. I guess that’s why this is just a rough draft. I just know this one looks ridiculous and when I am King my word will be law.

This is an early draft of course and I will take your suggestions into consideration before making a final list law.

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Ryan

Ryan is a weird dude. He doesn't cook, yet owns a plethora of kitchen gadgets. He rationalized buying a SodaStream while unemployed. He counts Step Up 2: The Streets as one of his favorite movies along with Footloose, Rent, Grease and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He loves Mizzou but only wants them in the SEC so he can tailgate in Nashville. He owns a ShakeWeight and AbLounger, but still loves him some John Donut and Billie's Fine Foods. You can get more of Ryan at iLoveSoulard.com or just check the stool on the far end of the bar at iTap in Soulard.

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