Hide Behind the Boobie Pops

4288 days ago.

—I originally wrote this post for my neighborhood blog, iLoveSoulard, about my experience at Globe Drugs on Christmas Eve.  In case you didn’t catch it, here it is for your enjoyment and survival.—-

Just in case you were wondering where the best place to hide in Globe Drugs when two men pull out guns is, I found out t hat answer today.  Behind the boobie pops counter there is an excellent area to lay down and pray that you suddenly became invisible.

While this is of course some valuable information, you may find yourself wondering how I figured out the answer to this conundrum. Let me tell you the story.

The day started out like any other Saturday.  I was nursing a hangover brought on by too much karaoke at Carson’s.  I still had some Christmas shopping to do so, I decided that mystery boxes from Globe Drugs needed to be purchased.  I made the trek across Broadway to Kosciusko and found the store to be really crowded in comparison to what it is normally.

I walked around gathering things I decided I needed.  I had three mystery boxes, a pack of gift boxes and some pumpkin muffins piled up in my arms when a kind employee offered to get me a cart.  Not only do some of the employees know my face, I also am “that guy” who needs a cart at Globe.  Great.

I waited in a line that was easily twice as long as I have ever seen at Globe.  Eventually, I was next in line.  I pulled out my debit card in anticipation of getting on with the rest of my travels for the day.

I noticed a stocky black gentleman standing to my left a few feet from the corner of the cash register.  He looked rather thugish and had a black ski mask sort of thing covering the lower part of his face.  I thought to myself that that was a little odd, but not a totally weird thing to see over in that neck of the woods.  I looked him up and down a couple of times and he glanced my way. I found myself thinking how I would react if he in fact did pull a gun or something of that nature.  I definitely read too many books by Lee Child, Brad Thor and the like because I immediately thought I should be a hero and punch the guy in the face to save the day.  I saw his hand in his right pocket and it didn’t look he had a gun or anything. I figured I was just being paranoid and turned my attention to the random goodies on the counter while the two people in front of me finished their $38 transaction.  Who in their right mind would hold up a store that sells 89 cent 2X4 cans of beer and 39 cent outdated bags of Doritos anyway?  Yeah, maybe I should have been thinking about what kind of person WOULD try that nonsense.

A taller, leaner black dude whipped out a long gun and stepped to the counter. He put the gun right in the cashier’s face while stocky dude magically produced a revolver. The cashier gave him a look of “you’ve got  to be kidding me”.

The two men mumbled something about it being a real holdup and I stepped back in shock and disbelief.  The stocky gentleman moved right in front of me and I looked at my debit card still in my hand thinking that was pretty much all I had to offer. He turned away from me and they moved towards the second register, guns at the ready.  I looked towards the front doors and back to my full cart.  I thought about making a run for it.  A wise  man once told me that most ghetto thugs are really lousy shots and Tweedledee and Tweedledum looked like their shooting skills were about as worthless as their lives are pathetic.  I mean, really, they are robbing Globe Drugs?  Do the world a favor and just shoot each other.

My other train of thought was that I had just spent a good amount of time loading up my cart and I really didn’t want to have to come back later to checkout since I was already behind schedule anyways.

I waited until they were busy sticking the gun in the other cashier’s face and looked for somewhere to hide.  I figured the chocolate counter looked good and sturdy. I ducked around behind it and laid flat on my back on the ground. My first thought was to text a friend what was going on and have her call 911.  My second thought was to Tweet my situation and let Jack’s magic invention do its thing to save the day.

Then came a gunshot.  Thoughts of doing anything except laying flat and hoping they didn’t come close to my hiding spot were immediately set aside.  The Denver Broncos game hadn’t started yet so I figured I had a good shot at divine intervention since he wasn’t needed there until the 4th quarter.

There was immediate silence in the store.  A decent amount of time went by until I heard anything. That may have been because my ear was ringing from the shot.

Finally, someone somewhere in the store asked if they were gone yet.  Other voices confirmed they were.  I slowly got up.  I asked first if anyone got hit and was happy to find out no one was hurt.  A father was calling out his adult son who I had passed earlier in the store.  Someone said they were on hold with 911.

I tweeted that the store had just gotten robbed.

I waked outside when the first cops pulled up.  Thankfully, the father had been reunited with his son.  I walked back into the store to wait until I could talk to the police.

A store manager was talking to the cashier who faced the gun first.  She said she was a little shook up, but could go right back to work.  Man, those employees in Globe are awesome.

She started ringing my purchase up while we waited on the Police.  Oddly enough, the people with the $38 transaction were no where to be found.  In fact, almost everyone who was anywhere around the cash register before was gone.  Later, I realized that a good portion of the clientele at Globe probably doesn’t like dealing with St. Louis’ finest.

The Lead Officer asked everyone who didn’t see what happened to leave the store and then locked the store. I understand the cops deal with a lot on a regular basis, but this guy really could have used a good day long seminar on dealing with people who had just come face-to-face with a gun.

Myself and the Cashier gave the best description we could of the thugs.  I realized that I really should have paid more attention to the details when I was stereotyping the stocky thug in the first place.  Officer Reed asked me what kind of gun the longer one was.  The best answer I could come up with was “he sure as hell wasn’t huntin’ deer with that thing.”

Officer Reed took my information down and said he’d call with any follow-up questions.  I hope he also contacts me when he finds the sorry-excuses-for-humans that those two are.  I would like to put a bullet in their kneecaps myself for tainting my Globe Drug experience.

While this was going on, I got a call from my Dad.  I found out later that my Brother-in-Law called him after seeing my Tweet.

In retrospect, I realized a few things.  I’m glad this happened to me on Christmas Eve.  I’ve been in Globe quite a few times with female friends of mine and I’m more than happy to volunteer myself to go through that then have them be a victim. Also, if I have to go through it again, I am definitely grabbing a box of Little Debbie snacks, a Vess soda (probably peach), and maybe a boobie pop.  Ya know, just in case it turns into a hostage situation.

Good news is the mystery boxes were a hit at family Christmas.  Whoever runs the @GlobeDrugsStl account saw my tweet and reached out to make sure I was okay, apologize for the experience and make sure I had done what I could to help the Police catch the thugs.  I’m sure I will find the need to visit sometime next week.  I have a sudden urge for chocolate shaped like an alligator and a peach soda.

Brought to you by Mills Properties


Ryan is a weird dude. He doesn't cook, yet owns a plethora of kitchen gadgets. He rationalized buying a SodaStream while unemployed. He counts Step Up 2: The Streets as one of his favorite movies along with Footloose, Rent, Grease and Paul Blart: Mall Cop. He loves Mizzou but only wants them in the SEC so he can tailgate in Nashville. He owns a ShakeWeight and AbLounger, but still loves him some John Donut and Billie's Fine Foods. You can get more of Ryan at iLoveSoulard.com or just check the stool on the far end of the bar at iTap in Soulard.

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